I used to get a lot of pleasure out of being hit on.. I admit it. I liked the attention. I felt good when a guy flattered me with attention, I felt attractive and powerful. It’s very powerful being able to call the shots because pretty much… where anything physical is involved, the women calls the shots.

This weekend my husband took me out dancing. I used to go a LOT when I was single and still went some when I was not single. I had a whole ritual: pick a sexy but not revealing outfit, meet up with my girl friend, hit the club and get out on the dance floor…then scope out what guy I wanted to flirt with. Some times guys would seek me out and make a move. I felt so powerful being able to pick and chose.

This time when I went out, I was simply annoyed with the guys hitting on me. I am a friendly person but I certainly was not giving out any signals that invited any sort of chit chat or flirting from guys… yet as soon as my husband left me for 5 minutes there they were! I was really annoyed…it was obvious that I was with my husband, he and I danced together all night, we sat together, walked around together.. there was no mistaking it.

You might think the difference is that …I was there with my husband and that’s why it bothered me but that’s not it. There are a few elements here,  my husband.. he has bad knees but every once in a while he takes me out dancing because I love it and he knows it means a lot to me. He wouldn’t mind me going out with girlfriends but I prefer to go out with him so… he was willing to do what past relationships were not-he went dancing with me and actually danced.Also the fact that I preferred to go out with him and not my girlfriends. I wasn’t there with him to be smug and show off my hottie husband but because I love his company and he’s a blast to be with.

In the past I was looking for the attention. The real difference is me. I don’t gain a sense of power when I am able to control how a situation will proceed. I’m not amused to flirt with a guy and play the game. The difference, without a doubt, is me, and who I am. I am secure with me and and don’t need anyone outside myself to make me feel good about me. I am confident, not that I can go and attract a guy but I am confident, now, that I don’t need to. I know that I am building a powerful relationship with my husband and am creating valuable relationships with friends. I don’t need validation from other people to know that I am attractive or interesting. I don’t need to suck up all that attention like a sponge … I would get a false sense of myself …running on the steam of having my head filled up with flirtation and advances. When it got low… I would go out for more.

I don’t need to go suck up that false power anymore, I can find my energy from within and I can now use that energy to invest in relationships that have meaning and value to both involved.

Looking back, all that time spent looking for attention and thinking I was powerful was really a mask for all the insecurities I had and the desire for validation from others. I didn’t realize what a drain of energy I was, now I focus on giving energy from myself to help those around me find their value.