On this day 20 years ago, I got married in Atlanta GA. Downtown. The church I got married in was later condemned, torn down and made into a parking lot. It’s hard to believe it was that long ago.

Things with that marriage didn’t work out. Neither did things with the second husband… or the boyfriend after that. There is a definite theme going on here.

I remember being full of hopes and dreams for my life. I was excited to leave college and “start my life”. It was a beautiful day, it rained the night before so I feared that it would be muggy but it wasn’t, the air was clean and crisp… 70s out.. it’s as if I ordered that weather. Friends and family came from all over for the ceremony. It was the perfect day.

After the honeymoon we moved to England, where he was from. It was difficult to find work there and everything was so different from what I was used to and for the first time in my life, I was very dependent on another person. It’s not easy for an independent person to take yet I felt like it was right because of the fantasies I had developed in my head. Not just the fairly tale fantasies I grew up with but the religious ones… ya know.. if you are faithful and you both have God… everything will work out. When we moved back to the US a couple of  years later I started making new friends, finding interests in other areas of life than JUST church. My husband at the time chose to make his entire life about church, it was his worship, spiritual, social, extracurricular and work.. I decided to work outside that eventually and started pursuing interests that had no relation to that community. We grew apart… 6 years after ..the marriage was finished. My world was way too big for that.

This theme in my life … the series of relationships … I had a hard time getting a grip on it for a while. I felt like I kept meeting the same guy all over again but packaged differently. What was wrong with all these guys? Why were they all the same? Why did they all pull the same things? Why was I attracting the same guy over and over?

After my last boyfriend broke up with me I finally got it.. yeah, those men had issues but the main issue was me. I had to face me. YUCK! It was hard at first but it had to be done if I wanted to make any progress.

I stopped looking at what was wrong with them and focused on me… not in a selfish, narcissistic way but in a way to evaluate what I was doing to attract men that were not compatible. It didn’t happen over night, it took me several months to start moving in the right direction but the thing is I took action, and that little bit that I started out with made a huge difference later. I remember a mentor of mine, Jordan Adler, talking about the huge difference just a 2 degree change makes.. perhaps on a graph that 2 degrees seems small but if you graphed the straight line you are on, then graphed the 2 degree change… the further the line goes, the greater the distance between the two lines. That small change DOES make a huge difference later.

I started asking myself some important questions, “how did I get in this position?” “What behaviors and thinking caused this” then once I got my answer, I asked myself “what can I do today to move away from that behavior and create a new behavior for myself”. The real truth is that you teach others how to treat you. If you are not being treated the way you desire, change that!

The changes I made in my thinking and behavior have fostered an environment of happiness and peace in my life. I met a man who respects me and loves me for who I am. I don’t assume anything about what he thinks, I straight up ask. I don’t try and meet this expectation that I think HE has.. I am me. I have respect for myself. Now that I respect myself, so do others.

I asked the hard questions, I faced myself. Do you need to face yourself? Send vibes into the universe for a coach to help you ask those critical questions, to lead you to the spot in your life to ask those questions. It’s difficult to do alone. As women we find it tough to focus on ourselves because we are not raised that way but it’s critical in order to move on.

Ask those questions, start the change today and let that  2 degree direction change move your life in a new direction for a better you.

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